I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
