girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
