i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
