You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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