the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Randomize
