i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
