Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
