She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
