they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
