Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
