i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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