it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
