I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
