Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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