the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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