I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
