I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
