I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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