So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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