I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
