i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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