No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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