Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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