I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
