Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
