They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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