Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
