woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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