Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
