she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
