a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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