we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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