i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
