i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
