I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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