I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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