I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
