I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
