On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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