i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
