I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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