So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
