I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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