You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
