We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
