i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
