Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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