If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
