oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
