You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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