Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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