Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
