considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
