Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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